My kids may or may not have spent the weekend on the island from Lord of The Flies - 06.13.2009

Dearest Father,

I thought that we had established a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in regards to what you do with my children while baby-sitting. Going forward, I am going to have to ask you to refrain from sending picture to my cell phone while you are baby-sitting. I would rather hear about the events after the fact, rather than seeing updates as things unfold.


Quite frankly, pictures like this freak me the fuck out. Apparently you've taken my kids to the Lord of the Flies island and Ian has emerged as the leader of the pack of unruly, self-governing boys. And what's on his face? Oh, it's clown paint? Why does he have clown paint on his face? Oh, because he thought that would be cool.


How exactly does this happen? You just happen to have a full clown costume, wig, and face paint at your house? Of course you do. So logically, you dressed my child as John Wayne Gacy? Of course you did.

But it gets even better! Here's the part where you taught the kids to play with fire! Oh, but you taught them to play fire in a responsible manner!


If anyone should NEVER be taught how to build a fire, it's Ian. I will; however, congratulate you on getting him to eat a hot dog. That is truly shocking and a feat that I've never been able to accomplish.


I actually love this picture. Ian is doing a goofy dance while perched on a rock. But I suspect that this resulted in you asking him if he was a homosexual when he was done dancing. Because of course, you think that only gay men dance.

Thank you for taking good care of our kids while Tony and I went to dinner and say a movie. I very much appreciate it!

Regards,
Your daughter - Michelle

*Seriously - the kids had a great time and were well cared for the entire time*

Hell Freezes Over and Connor Eats a Hot Dog - 05.25.2009

We went over to our friend Bill's for a Memorial Day cookout on Monday. He makes an awesome homemade margarita and does a great job cooking on the grill.




At some point in the day, hell apparently froze over because Connor decided to eat a hot dog AND an ear of corn. There's no denying that my kids are picky eaters. Neither would normally go anywhere a hot dog or an ear of corn, so this was a shocking development on Connor's part. Ian had his pockets loaded with Pez so he had that to eat.




Later in the evening, Connor actually asked for more corn so I fired up the grill and roasted him a few ears.

The Stewart Go To The Circus - 05.16.2009

We took the kids to see the Barnium & Bailey/ Ringling Brother's Circus this weekend at Nationwide Arena. The circus is a bit different than how I remember it from my childhood. There is no tent, the clowns are still creepy but seem less threatening, and there is a lot more acrobatics. As a matter of fact, the circus shows that we've seen over the past two years have been about 80% human tricks and 20% animal tricks.

Here's Ian with my sister and a $7.00 box of popcorn. Tony and Connor each also bought a $7.00 box of popcorn. Each of their sodas cost $6.00.


Here's my sister, looking ridiculously beautiful as always. She, Tony, and I shared a $4 bag of peanuts.


It was 3:30 PM and I hadn't had anything to eat yet, so I bought a cheddarwurst because there were not brats being sold. Silly me, I thought that a cheddarwurst would taste like a cheesy bratwurst. It actually tasted like a cheesy hot dog. Tony's hot dog was $4.00, the cheddardog was $4.75, and each beer was $7.50. Yes, they sell beer at the circus!


Here is Connor with a $9.00 snow cone in a plastic cup that looks a scary clown.



There were horses


And tigers


And elephants


And then towards the end, things started to get really crazy... If I didn't know better, I would have thought that I was on LSD.



Performers came out dressed as brightly colored flowers and the elephants were dressed as butterflies.


And then shiny confetti rained down from the heavens and the circus was over!